I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy the past week. Empathy and shame.
If you’ve never read anything by Brene´ Brown or listened to her speak, I strongly suggest you do. Every time I read something by her or listen to a talk she’s given, I come away with something new to implement in my life.
Last week, I started reading her book, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME (BUT IT ISN’T) and have already found myself changing the way I think.
Growing up, we’re often taught that shame is a good thing. It’s what keeps us in line, helps us stay within the boundaries of accepted social norms, and prevents us from making poor moral choices. Brene´ challenges this idea, saying that changes made out of shame are only temporary, and that shaming someone often has negative effects on both the person being shamed and the person doing the shaming. If you really think about it, what she suggests is spot on. Have you ever really been shamed into changing yourself? Changing your opinion? Becoming someone completely different? And if so, has that really lead you to a better and happier life?
Another belief I’ve held onto for far too long is that we cannot empathize with another person unless we’ve experienced the exact things they have. Because of that, sympathy is the natural go-to. But sympathy can actually encourage shame. I mean, think about it. When something happens to you and someone else says something along the lines of “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through”, doesn’t that make you feel a little more alone? Like there is no chance someone else could ever connect with you and relate with you over what you’re going through?
When my twins were born, I had a lot of people say to me, “You’re Super Mom”, or “You’re Wonder Woman”, and a whole lot of “I don’t know how you do it”. While I appreciated the sentiment behind what was being said, especially given the health issues and struggles we faced in that first little bit, those were the phrases I struggled with the most. Why? Because those comments not only made me feel alone in my journey when I already felt completely overwhelmed and alone, but also because of the distance that it put between the person making the comment and myself. Like somehow I was better than them. Or stronger than them. And believe me—I’m not. We all face our own trials and difficulties in our lives and we can either choose to rise to the occasion, or hide in a corner. In this instance, I chose to rise to the occasion. And I guarantee that any of the amazing women who made these comments to me would do the same thing in my situation. Because you never really know what you’re made of until you have no other choice but to be strong.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that I say to people lately and whether those things could be used to distance myself from a situation, or embrace it. We’ll never all have the exact same experiences—every single person on this planet is different. And even if we do share an experience, we’re going to view it through our own life experiences. I don’t have to experience the exact same situation as someone else to understand what it feels like to lose someone you love. The same is true of feeling alone and misunderstood, or struggling to find myself in any given situation. We all experience things differently, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t understand the base emotions behind what someone is feeling. And it’s so important to access those emotions and use them to relate to others and find our similarities rather than our differences.
So from now on, I’m choosing empathy. I’m going to make mistakes along the way and say the wrong thing (because let’s face it—we all do at some point), but I’m going to be genuine. No one should feel alone in this life. And we don’t have to be the same to relate and understand each other. Or at least to try. Because who can’t use a little more support and understanding in their lives? Let’s support each other and find our common ground rather than digging for our differences. Because deep down, we’re not so different. And with empathy, we can truly come together.