Today’s post is from a peace officer. Any profession that causes you to deal with trauma on a daily basis indelibly leaves its mark, not only on your psyche, but also you mental health. If you need help, get help. Never think your issues aren’t real enough to be heard. This is his journey.
A few years ago, I got called out to a fatal crash that occurred in the early morning the day before Christmas. A family from out of state was traveling to spend the holidays with their extended family. They were within a few miles of their final destination when the crash occurred, resulting in the death of one of their children.
I’ve been a major crash investigator for nearly my entire 6-year career, investigating countless crash scenes involving fatalities all across the state, and I have seen some of the most grizzly scenes that are truly unimaginable to the lay person.
This scene was no worse than any other. After seeing so many crashes, you become desensitized to the gnarly aspects of what you’re seeing, and you view things objectively. This sounds harsh, but you view the victim as an object, not as a person. This is how I’ve been able to cope with keeping the things I see on the job separated from my emotions.
After my part of the investigation was done on scene, we were waiting for the tow truck to load the vehicle so we could clear, and I could get back home. I was handed a large plastic bag and asked to walk through the scene and collect the Christmas presents that had been scattered from inside the vehicle throughout the scene during the crash, so they could be returned to the family. I remember picking up one present out of the snow that had blood spatter throughout the snowman themed wrapping paper. I didn’t want the family to have to deal with the painful reminder of their loss, so I removed the wrapping paper, placed the box in the plastic bag with the other presents, and eventually cleared the scene.
The next day, I was with my family enjoying our Christmas morning together, watching my kids tear through their presents. The kids were about halfway through their pile of presents when I watched my wife hand a present to my oldest daughter. The present was wrapped in snowman themed wrapping paper, very similar to the present I picked up out of the snow the day before. As my daughter ripped through the paper, I felt this phenomenal wave of emotions surge through my body. I remember the chills that felt like electricity running up my back. It felt like the room was suddenly 300 degrees. I thought I was going to puke and pass out. In a split second, I went from enjoying my morning with my loved ones, to an explosion of tears. I was stunned. I remember thinking “Where the hell did that come from? Get your shit together man.” Looking back, this was the first sign I recognized that I was not okay.
Eventually, I gathered myself and I felt like things were back to normal. In the coming months, I began to slowly succumb to the stressors of what my everyday life was at the time. I was under a lot of pressure at work with the many different responsibilities I had at the time. At home, we were potty training a new puppy while potty training a toddler, with an infant in diapers, all while taking online college courses. I felt like I had no escape from a non-stop tidal wave of stress everywhere I went. I started to self-destruct in every aspect of my life. I didn’t care about my performance at work. My relationships with my wife, kids, family, and friends were becoming weak and tattered. I was caught in this endless loop of negativity and I found myself in a dark, bleak place mentally.
My wife gave me the ultimatum of taking advantage of the mental health resources offered through my work, or I was going to have to leave. I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I felt like getting help was for people who had REAL problems, like guys that had been involved in shootings, or had their wives cheating on them etc. I felt like my problems would be a waste of time for the psychologist. I remember thinking, “I’m a problem solver. I should be able to fix this on my own.” It wasn’t until after I met with a counselor that I realized the problems I thought were minor were REAL problems, and they needed to be dealt with immediately. I was able to recognize what changes needed to be made, and I can honestly say taking advantage of the resources available saved my marriage, saved my relationship with my kids, saved my career, and IT SAVED MY LIFE.
These are trying times. Right now is a difficult time to be in law enforcement and I’m not sure who will want to do this job after this is all said and done. We face true evil and deal with matters nobody else wants to on a daily basis. We are the guardians at the gate. The phrase “If not us, then who?” comes to mind. Do not feel ashamed to reach out for help if you need it. It is okay, and in my opinion completely understandable, to not be okay. You are not alone in this fight.